How to write a Love letter to your President

Dear Bubu,

Please refer to last letter from two weeks ago— the one which sadly you have not replied. It was Valentines and I really hoped that we could spend the time together, even if it was by Skype. I know you are not big on technology but I thought you would at least try. I have given this a lot of thought. I have come to the conclusion that Valentine is a Western, even pagan celebration and I can understand if, being a believer, you want nothing to do with that. However, our love is still in need of fixing. We cannot carry on like this, you talking to everyone around me — even your houseboy, the one who looks like a pigeon and excitedly tells everyone you called him — but not me. This is all the more serious now that for all intents and purposes, we are in a long distance relationship.

One of the holy books says: Love never fails. And that is why I persist, writing you, even though you have refused to speak to me. I am not asking for much. I didn’t say you should send me nudes, I know you have not healed. Just one FaceTime or WhatsApp call.

I believe in our love. However I want us to get one thing out of the way. You have spent all this time with London; two months you have been in her home, waking up, taking your bath, eating, taking off your clothes for medical and other procedures. I have never doubted your loyalty but now I really have to ask this question: Are you having an affair? Is that why you are ashamed to speak to me even though all our mutual friends assure me you are fine? Look, I am not a child. I am not naïve. I know that with distance, affairs are a possibility. You are a child of God but you are human. Even a 74 year old has his needs. I recognize that. And that is why I insist that you tell me so we can work things out. It is not as if I have not been tempted myself. It is not like I have not seen someone that has made my blood bubble with excitement. But, Love endures all things. We can get better. I can try to please you better. Just Skype me and I promise I will put this affair behind me and carry on loving you.

You remember Odysseus and Penelope in Greek mythology? I know that is for pagans, but there are lessons to be learnt there. I am like Penelope and you are like Odysseus. You have gone on a long long journey and now that no one knows when or if you will return, men have started filing in to take your place. They woo me and tell me how things can be so much better without you. Your deputy, the one who couldn’t even speak in your presence, is now walking around, doing things to impress me. Things we couldn’t do together since we fell in love, he is doing them. And people are praising him and hinting to me that he would make a great replacement for my runaway lover. “See how much he has done since your man disappeared,” they tell me. This offends me on a few levels. First off, he is a short man and you know I have a thing for tall men. Short men have issues. They are always trying to overcompensate. Look at the other short man, the one who used to insult you and now swears by your name.  You just cannot trust them I tell you. So, yes your deputy has achieved much and is now very vocal in your absence but it is only you who makes my blood boil. It is only you — talk hunk — that I chose. Second, your deputy, he wears dark colors (and clothes that barely fit him) and I love a man who knows how to wear white, like you.

However, I am human. If he continues doing these good things I cannot say for how long I can wait for you. He is doing things we could not achieve together. Things you promised you would do. I have to justify to myself why I am waiting for you. I need you to tell me why. Why should I keep waiting for you my dear? Because while love is great and all, sometimes, love is not enough. I am like Penelope but I am not as strong as she was. I am not magic. I can bleed. I can break. I need you to tell me not to break.

Now, every time someone looks for the man of the house, your deputy shows up. He speaks to me more than you spoke to me. I am not comparing, but facts are facts. People, foreigners, are asking me mockingly: Where is your man, oh faithful Penelope?

Give me the words bubu. Give me the words to respond to my attackers and mischief makers. Show me I did not make a mistake choosing you over all others. Don’t mock me by speaking to strangers and not speaking to me. Give me a reason not to go with your deputy and move on.

Your Love,

Chinua

How to behave as a politician in Nigeria

The biggest mistake any person interested in politics can make is to apply rules generally applicable to regular human beings to Nigeria. Often, Nigerians in the diaspora wishing to return home to enter politics assume that just because they are black or have a second green passport, they can fit right in. This is a manual for persons hoping to avoid embarrassment as they enter politics in Nigeria.

SHAME

Do you sometimes feel shame when you are caught doing something wrong? If the answer is yes, then you are not ready for Nigerian politics. Can you look at a crowd when you are caught with your fingers in a pot of soup, and tell them, while licking your fingers, that in fact, you have never entered a kitchen in your life, talk less of a pot of soup? No? Then you are not ready for Nigerian politics. A good Nigerian politician who is caught on camera stuffing wads of dollar notes into his cap, knows how to say ‘it wasn’t me’ without blinking. Nigerian supporters, especially those of your tribe or religion, do not need evidence of your innocence. Once they support you, they themselves will come up with reasons why you cannot be guilty.

GOD

This is the first and most important thing. A Nigerian politician must understand how to tap into and use God, both in times of peace and times of trouble, because with God all things are possible – from the relocation of funds from public coffers into your private accounts to making sure that you sometimes get more votes from a polling unit than the number of human beings who are registered to vote. The latter is not strange. Do not let anyone make you feel bad about it. Did Jesus not take 5 loaves of bread and two fish and multiply it until it could feed five thousand people in Bethsaida? Was that rigging?

A good Nigerian politician knows how to use God for protection. So, for example when you want the people not to revolt against you, remind people that you were sent by God. Declare that you could never have entered office without God leading you by the hand and personally giving you the seat. Those who voted – including those who adjusted figures and thumb-printed on ballots – are nothing but biros in the hand of God. They should know that no one gets power unless by God’s permission. This will make anyone afraid of questioning the authority of God.

God is also important when you have just won an election and you need to emotionally blackmail the out-rigged opponent. Give an acceptance speech saying that you thank God for giving you the victory; say that you cannot question God who decided that you were the only person fit for that office. Your opponent will feel bad and let it go. God is great.

However, you need to know when not to use God. If you have a task that you doubt you will be able to perform, say, “I will do everything humanly possible”, to remind them that although God is personally involved in giving you power, they should not be disappointed if you fail. Because you are only human.

SOCIAL MEDIA

Now I know I have said those people on social media are good-for-nothing. I insist that in real voting terms, they are useless. But it is important to have people who fight for you in the media. In Nigeria there is no good or evil. There is only for and against. An evil person is one that has no one fighting for them. There is poverty and unemployment in the land, so getting people to post tweets and Facebook posts for you is not very expensive. Many will even do it for free. Avoid those hustlers who call themselves social media consultants. They just know how to blow grammar. All you need are motivated guys who have internet connection and the hope that when their oga’s hustle is blessed, it will reach them. It is these ones who will identify any bad thing said about you and attack appropriately.

SCANDALS

When a real scandal happens, like say, foreign police caught you with stolen money, or people identify you as a sponsor of terrorism, the best thing to do is nothing. It does not matter how bad it is. Those who support you do not need your explanation, and those who demand an explanation will never support you. Plus, Nigerians have the shortest memories among human beings worldwide. Just be patient, and they will forget everything. It is more important to forget than to forgive. Of what good is forgiveness is people can remember the wrong that was done? That is why Nigeria is such a great place for politics. Yesterday’s murderer can become tomorrow’s statesman.

RELIGION

Do you have doubts about the existence of God? Keep it to yourself. If you have a Christian background, find a few churches and start attending. Go to Jerusalem. Take a photo there and hang them in your office. If you have a Muslim background, then make sure you are visible at least once a week at Friday prayers. Go for the Hajj. It does not matter that when you are on holiday in London or America you enjoy bacon and lots of alcohol. Appearance is everything. Nigerians would rather a fornicating, lying, thieving Christian or Muslim, than a clean atheist. Keep your other beliefs to yourself, but claim one of the two foreign religions.

It is important to always have a good friend of the other acceptable religion. That friend will come in handy when people accuse you of favoring only people of your own religion or of being a fanatic. If you can’t find a friend, then have employees of the other religion, like a cook or driver. Otherwise, sleep with women of the other religion. That way, if someone says you are a fanatic, just say, if I hated the other religion, would I have slept with their women?

CAPS/HATS

You may take this for granted, but close your eyes for a minute and think of a successful Nigerian politician who doesn’t wear a cap? When was the last time you saw the bare head of a Nigerian president? I don’t know what it is about a cap, but it cannot be a coincidence that everyone, from our founding fathers to the current destructive fathers, wears a cap/hat. Better to be safe than sorry. Find a cap or hat and wear it often.

FITNESS

Especially if you plan to be a legislator at the state of federal level, it is important to be fit and strong for the occasional fights that will break out. You don’t want to be the one who ends up in hospital after a fight in a House of Assembly. Everyone has a phone with a camera these days and it would be a tragedy if you were caught on camera unable to fight back. Sometimes also our democracy means that you may need to break maces or climb over parliamentary gates. If you are currently unfit, register in a gym or start doing yoga.

Follow these tips and I assure you, you will be properly positioned for God to bless your political hustle

How to behave as a Policeman in Naija

You didn’t know it would be like this when you were applying. You just knew you wanted a job. Your relatives came together and contributed the money you put in an envelope so as to bribe the Ogas at the top to recruit you. Money that was probably going to be bigger than your first salary. But no amount of money is too big for the privilege of wearing that uniform. You were excited about the new uniform. About the rank. The serial number. Your name on your shirt. But no one told you. No one whispered it into your ear that you would be serving an ungrateful, hateful bunch of citizens who think you are the worst thing since discovering that all the questions in your exams came from the only topic you failed to revise.

You do not understand the hate. You cannot make sense of the lies they tell about you. But you will do your duty and serve your fatherland (or is it motherland you can never tell) inspite of all the bad belle people. You will be a police officer.

The Check Point

God forbid that they put you on check point duty. But someone has to do it. Someone has to flag down cars and shine a weak torch into people’s faces. Someone has to salute the people in nice cars and remind them that their “boys are loyal”. And especially on the weekend, someone has to wish the law abiding citizens happy weekend. Who else will give road users the privilege of showing their appreciation for the selfless work you do with a bit of cash? You are not doing anything wrong dont mind badbelle people. You perform a serious duty. Take it seriously. Raise your voice when you ask: “Anything for the boys?” or “Oga how e go be na?” Be proud of who you are. Be confident. Look people in the eye. Don’t squeeze the notes you recieve. Fold them nicely, put it in your front pocket and press it gently to make it sit comfortably. God sees your heart.

The Station

People may scrunch up their noses when they walk into a police station without asking, why does this place smell like an abandoned state university school male toilet on a Friday afternoon. They will not ask why the walls have to look like the kitchen walls of a motor park bukka. They will judge you over a small thing like filth and stench.Your intention is not to make anyone comfortable in there. You want the suspects to reflect. To think of the crimes they may or may not have done. To be so moved by all of the sights and smells to repentance. To come to a point where they hate crime. The people who judge you do not understand that as a police officer you are smart,you left the appearance of your station like that for a reason. The walls and floors signify the hearts of the criminals – dirty. You want to hold up a mirror to them. You do it for their own good. You do not want a nice comfortable police station where people who commit crimes will  just come to spend the night as if it were a motel. God forbid that your station becomes a motel.   (It does not matter if they are innocent. The fact that they got arrested means that at least, they followed bad gangs. And did someone important not say: show me your friends and I will tell you the kind of person you are?)

And you know, if you ask me, I would introduce a standard fee for paper when people need to write a statement. You do not fetch paper from the street. People should stop being stingy and support your station with the right kind of stationery.

The Pot Belly

You may start out thin and flat bellied. Do not see that as a thing of pride. You will look awkward with your police uniform tucked into a thin waist with your stomach looking like a chalk board. People won’t respect you if you look hungry. Whether you are male or female, this applies to you. You need to slowly work your way to making your uniform look good and make the journey around your large belly. That way you look like authority and when you tuck in your uniform, you look menacing enough to stop crime. God forbid a flat, hungry belly. It will not be your portion.

The Patrol Vehicle

Like I said, you keep everything the way they are for a reason. You are deep. Your patrol vehicle is another example of a symbol and a metaphor all in one. Don’t mind the people who watch Hollywood movies and want to bring fiction into reality wanting police patrol vehicles to look nice and neat, complete with bumpers and fenders, rear lights, uncracked windshields and a radio that works. Your patrol vehicle represents the struggles of society. The dents represents the deep impressions you want to make on people. The broken indicator stands for all the broken things which indicate how problematic crime can be, broken things which you intend to fix. Your job is to fight crime, not have a nice car. Leave nice cars for politicians. Nobody has time for that. Do not bother with replacing lights. Hold together broken or cracked bumpers with nice thick copper wire. You are like that copper wire, holding the society together. And for this God will bless you.

The Barracks

As a humble person, you do not care about looking flashy. Especially where you live in the barracks. This is where people can best see your humility. In the open sewers. In the litter. In the bushes and shrubs. In the half naked children everywhere. The barracks has to show how down to earth you are. So down to earth you do not care about tidy surroundings. If you see someone obsessively cutting grass, cleaning the gutters, bearing children responsibly or sweeping the streets, they don’t have work to do. And we all know that the idle mind is the devil’s workshop. May God never let you become a workshop for the devil.

The Torture Discipline 

People don’t understand you. You know how – to get well shaped metal tools – the blacksmith has to beat it into shape. The blacksmith doesn’t beat the red hot iron because he hates it. Far from it. The blacksmith beats it out of love for the craft of making metal tools and items. Same with gold. It has to go through fire for purity. When you slap a suspect or chain them or beat them until you get a confession or slam batons onto the soles of their feet or strip them naked or whip them or let other cell mates beat them, or electrocute them through their penis (if PHCN allows), you do it out of love. Same way a mother will let a nurse insert a needle into the buttocks of her child. And injection hurts. But a mother knows it will help the child in the long run. You, more than most people know this. And it is not like you even go that far. You will never insert anything into another person’s buttocks. You love the people you torture,sorry i mean discipline. You want them to change. You want them to confess and write that statement that will make the case end quickly.  God who sees your heart, knows this and will reward you greatly.

The Accidental Discharge

Sometimes as a police officer, you will shoot people acidentally. Like when you have had too much alomo bitters during the night patrol. You need the alomo. The night is cold and full of errors. And guns are unpredictable. Don’t let this affect the love you have for your job. Don’t let a small thing like an accidental discharge or killing someone at a checkpoint stop you from giving your life to changing society.

Bail

See eh, people are ungrateful. If someone helps them carry load in the motor park or in the market, do they just walk away? Don’t they give them something? In fact these days the motor park touts negotiate their fee very aggressively before they even touch your load. No one sees anything wrong with that. In the old days people helped people. If they can pay a tout why should they not pay a law enforcement officer? Are they saying that a tout deserves more than a person who risks their life to protect society? Yes bail is free but you are only asking people to be reasonable. Just some appreciation, the way they would appreciate any other hard working person they meet. May God send sensible lawyers who have home training and know how to show appreciation when you finally release their clients. I mean they could have been accidentally shot. Or died in a shoot out with you. You know how those criminals like shootouts, sometimes even with handcuffs or ropes binding their hands they will dare to engage you in one. God forbid that you are forced into a shootout.

I have heard rumours like police officers working with armed robbers and sharing the proceeds, renting out guns, asking for money to help recover stolen property,helping politicians harrass people who disrespect them and other stupid lies. Rumours are the work of the devil and his children. (People should stop allowing the devil to use them). I do not take them very seriously. You shouldn’t either because no one can prove that any of it is true.

 

God bless your hustle as you serve and protect everyone, including ungrateful, rumour-peddling Nigerians.

How to be thankful on Independence day

Nigeria is 56. It is a weird age to be throwing a big party. But especially since we have crossed the life expectancy of the average Nigerian, we need to be thankful. I have waited for president Buhari to be show appropriate gratitude and have heard nothing of substance. So I have decided to come in.I want to thank all of the countries and entities that keep us afloat, without which we would be a shell of a country. The entities on which we are dependent.

• Thank you America. For always knowing. For always recieving our president when he runs to beg for your support. Thank you for sometimes stepping in and telling our president what to do even though you have your own madman threatening to take over and fuck Muslims and Mexicans up. Also, thank you for that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Really urban radio stations would be dead without you. We love you. You will see your flag flying in most big hotels in the cities. Yes the flag may be dirty, but at least we tried.
  Ps. Thank you also for not complaining too much about our president massacring hundreds of Shiites. Think what a human rights disaster that would have been. I am not saying you are secretly excited that Iran’s foothold in Nigeria is destroyed but, you know just when to look away boo. Can’t love you enough. Hugs.

• Thank you UK. For keeping some of our key projects afloat. For the schools which make sure the children of our elite take over from where their parents stopped ruining us. Thank you for staying even if your own relationship back at home has broken down and you are about to move out of your ex’s home. Breakups are hard. I hope that nothing cracks as you move your things out of the EU. Hugs.

• Thank you Holland. For easing the nerves of Nigerians with our most popular brand of beer. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but I do. Thank you for helping us effectively wash away our sorrows. And for not always bragging that our national product is actually yours.

• Thank you South Africa. For all the companies that make our lives bearable. For DSTV, without which we would be stuck with government propaganda and adverts. For Shoprite. For MTN which teaches us values like patience and knowing how to have a backup plan. Thanks big brother. And, PS. We know that sometimes you treat us like shit, but sometimes a big brother disciplines the children of his younger brother. It keeps the relationship in check. The truth is, we need you.

• Thank you Dubai. For keeping the wives and mistresses of our corrupt civil servants and leaders busy with interesting, expensive hobbies. For providing a safe haven when our corrupt politicians are too scared to go into America or Britain. You preserve our love.

• Thank you Germany. For Julius Berger. Without whom in the event of an emergency, we would be in serious trouble. Thank you for all our major roads and bridges.

• Thank you United Nations. For feeding our starving citizens especially the children and not wondering why in a country with such rich fat bastards, millions of people, especially children are starving. Be patient with us. We need you boo.

• Thank you China. For the shinier, cheaper versions of all the things most of our people cannot afford. For the second hand trains. I know we are paying for it somehow, but still, thank you. I know America sometimes whispers into our ear not to get in bed with you too often, but at least you are an honest lover. You don’t lie to us like AMerica and UK does about wanting to marry us or be our boo; you don’t tell us you love us when you want to sleep with us. We know it is just for the sex. We don’t expect love or anything. And for this we are grateful. Ps. It would be nice if your people mixed with our people sometimes. We will learn your language if you want.

• Thank you English football and the UEFA Champions League. For providing a distraction for young Nigerians who would otherwise have had the time to worry about a fast failing country. For the trends on Twitter on the weekends. You don’t know it yet, but English football and the Champions League have contributed to our stability as a nation, so that instead of quarrel about development, we can spend time fighting over Arsenal and Manchester United or whether Ronaldo is better than Messi. And for this we say, God bless you

• Thank you Germany, England and India. For preserving the quality of life of our politicians and making sure they are healthy and able to rule us well. England especially, for treating our daddy’s ears so that he can hear us better. For also treating their families and providing a decent place for our wealthy to die. God will bless your hustle.

• May the good lord continue keeping these lovely people for us so that we can grow to even greater heights. Can I get an amen?

How to Run for President (my Manifesto)

So people, this is my big coming-out moment. I am running for President in 2019. It was a hard decision and trust me, I consulted neither friends nor family. It is significant that I arrived at this decision alone. Why? Because this recession and dollar stuff has gotten to my cerebrum. Trust me, while I don’t mean to bad-mouth the people around me, most of my friends and family would fall into the ‘average voter’ category. Forget about the party I will run under. Focus on my manifesto

I will not wear a cap. I can confirm to you that this is a serious problem. Let’s face it: which Nigerian President has allowed gods good breeze to visit oxygenated air on his scalp? This surely, with all the heat in the Federal Capital Territory has to be at least partly responsible for stupid decisions that has resorted in crazy economic policies. I will, by not wearing a cap, save the nation from potentially dangerous policies.

I will not marry. Mention one first lady that has not been the object of attack by cavernous critics whose only joy is to cast aspersions on the good souls of president’s wives. Some even once implied that a certain first lady had as her stock in trade, laundering money and receiving kickbacks from contractors. Such blasphemy! To be sure, however, that such distractions do not plague my government I promise to defy every ‘settling-down’ bone in my body and keep my relationships simple; an unofficial partner at best, who will visit on the weekends. And no, my partner will not sleep over. That is how one gets roped into marriage, to the detriment of a whole nation. God forbid that such a thing should happen.

I keep a moustache. Just stay with me on this one. Tell me one decent head of state that we have had who didnt keep a moustache.. When General Obasanjo still kept a moustache in 1979, he had the good sense to hand over power on schedule and retire to his chicken farm without looting half the treasury. When he got into power again in 1999, what happened? He shaved. And lost his head so much that after eight years in power, he tried to arm-twist Nigerians into giving him another term! See what a moustache does to people? IBB, Abacha, Abdulsalam – all these guys who, like my friends would say, did Nigeria ‘strong-thing’ – all clean shaven. I will not fall into that trap,now see buhari that age has removed the little moustache he had then,dollar is now 420.I will keep my moustache, so help me god.

I don’t like flying. I will sell off eight of the ten presidential aircraft. Nigerians can be sure that I won’t spend any crude oil money on presidential jets.I will use bicycles. Nigerian presidents tend to put on weight in power.Related to losing weight by riding bicycles is the fact that I wear slim-fit shirts. When was the last time a president of this great republic looked smart? Like in a slim-fit short sleeved shirt and nice slim chinos pants? For once a Nigerian leader that does not look like a greedy, flesh-eating member of a cultural troupe. Our respect among civilized nations will double.

I use a Blu(not BLUE colour,the brand name is BLU)phone and I am very secretive. Which Nigerian president have you seen, in photos or in real life, handling his own phone? I will personally go on Facebook and Twitter to feel the pulse of the nation. While I will not give out my Bbm pin for fear of abuse, Nigerians can be sure that I will personally read their tweets and not some young overzealous Special Assistant who will end up increasing my number of enemies online. Plus, I like Twitter and would like to return there and tweet funny stuff when I leave power. Why would I mess that up? Surely this is a strong reason to vote for me in 2019.

I can lie eh! knowing that nigerians dont like hearing the truth.they dont like when you tell them that it will take 4 years to reposition the country because of the low oil price.they prefer you telling them that once you get into power you will turn around the fortunes of Naira which is now at 420 naira to a dollar and make it equal 1 naira to a dollar.you dont need to tell them how you intend making that happen,just give them HOPE.Nigerians are “Hope hungry people”just tell them lies like you will make it happen and they will runaway singing your praise

The choice is yours. . Clean shaven, cap wearing people or mustached and openly bald. Pot-bellied members of a cultural troupe or a smart slim president.Truth or Lies. These are the important choices, come 2019. I trust that you will, in spite of being an average voter, vote for me and for change

How to kidnap Me

Oga kidnapper,

I hope this meets you well. If so,glory be to God. I am not mocking you. The very reason you have become so popular in today’s Nigeria is that all is not well. I get that. When I say I hope this finds you well, I mean that in spite of all the problems, some of which have driven you to this profession (forgive me if you have a day job which you prefer to call your profession), I hope you are somehow ok, health wise and all. Because to be ill and be a kidnapper can be a bit problematic. You don’t want to have a bladder infection and be managing an abduction at the same time, i am a doctor believe me. In short, I am wishing that you are in good health or at least a state of health that will not jeopardise your business.

You see, unlike many Nigerians,I will not express shock when you kidnap me. I will not express anger. I will not break down in tears. I will not pee in my pants (except if you kidnap me dressed like all those boko haram people,so please dress well). I will not have any of the reactions which I assume you have become accustomed to. (I am sincerely hoping that you have some experience in this kidnapping business because I would hate to deal with a learner: learners panic and do things like shoot the people they have abducted. If you are new, I will advice you to calm down. I am not going to be a problem. We can work through this together. Like they say, with God all things are possible.)

The reason I am calm is simple. I am a Nigerian that has common sense forget that i live abroad. I also read. I know how hard things are becoming. I also know how ungoverned Nigeria is. So whether it has become easier to kidnap people or life has become harder or both, I understand. Also, we both know the Police is not going to get involved under any circumstances except perhaps to make sure the ransom money is secure so yeah, I am not going to call them. None of my people are going to contact the police either. If we are going to have to spend money, better to give it to you, than pay for “fuel” and paper to write the statement then still end up paying the ransom. My point is, calm down and let us negotiate

I want you to understand that even though you may have heard that i am a doctor or the heard that i own a blog or i write for All saint university’s press club, it does not mean anything. I have no money. The press club doesnt pay. And let’s be honest, I can never know how much google pay them per view or how this Adsense thing works.my own blog is free so i wont know. If they tell me they make only 100 dollars per year, I can’t prove they make thousands. This my blog business is not much better than hawking Gala and La Casera and pure water and scotch egg in traffic. (Ps. I don’t understand people who eat scotch egg in public transport in traffic. They stink up the bus and they look silly opening their mouths wide to bite into it. If not that you can’t get much out of them I would have said those are the kind of people who deserve to be kidnapped. Those ones and the agents of darkness who eat moin-moin in offices and on buses.) Plus, I take out more than half of my money every month and pay  my landlord here . If you had not already gone through the trouble of kidnapping me, I would have suggested that you should have taken my landlord instead of me,just that i dont think he will ever come to nigeria. But, still, think about it. For one thing, he hasn’t bothered reducing the rent upon all these exchange rate wahala. I have to be paying almost fifty thousand naira more than I was paying last year. No fear of God or anything like that. That, or you take the press club publisher Mitchelle. My point is, I am a poor blog writer and doctor.That i reside abroad and have some few stamps on my passport doesn’t mean i am balling ,please if u like i can declare my asset

However, while the negotiations are going on, I have a few requests. Notice I didn’t say demands. Your ransom is a demand which, don’t get me wrong, you deserve. I am only begging. As a  blog writer, I want to at least make something out of the kidnapping experience. I need to write about it so as to drive traffic to my blog. You make the ransom money, I make some good writing and fame out it. At-all at-all na im bad pass. If possible, I want a selfie. Because you know how our generation is. If there is no photo or video or link it did not happen. You can die these days and the children of the devil on the internet will ask your family announcing it for photos or links so they can believe you are truly dead. I already said I won’t do anything funny like try to call the police. We both know how useless that is (this is not an American film where their police trace kidnapper calls and show up commando style). And really, I expect that as a professional you would have blindfolded me on the way to your business premises. Or we can just use an actual digital camera. If you don’t have one we can buy one – just take the money from the ransom money when you get it. Or ask, as a preliminary demand before actual negotiations that they send a camera. (If it wasn’t too much to ask, I might asked if you would let me sneak a couple of my own demands into your list of demands. But you alone worked for this kidnapping and I won’t just come and ride on your hustle. That would be opportunistic. You know, like a woman struggled with some rough guy for over a decade, patiently cleaned him up, married and made him decent, and then some random woman sees him on the street corner and thinks he was always this wonderful and tries to snatch him. Or like all those criminals who got elected across the country by affixing Buhari’s photo to their campaign posters. That kind of opportunistic. God forbid.

Can we please play some games while we are waiting? I find that boredom kills. Look at the damage our bored legislators do because there is no real work to be done, padding budgets and all. I suggest Ludo. Or WHOT. Also, talk to me. I want to hear your story. I will tell you mine. That you kidnapped me does not mean we can’t gist a little. You may find that we have more in common than you ever imagined.

(And please don’t worry about food. I am not proud. I have no special dietary requirements. I will eat what you eat.)

This may turn out to be the best kidnapping you have ever done

Ps. Just to be clear, the “Oga” at the top of this letter is not a mere salutation. You are really dear to me. God bless your hustle, and be with you and your loved ones. And may they never, never be kidnapped.

Love,

 

Chinua

How To Calculate the value of a Nigerian Life

This last week has been bloody in America for black people as well as American law enforcement.Nigerians on the internet also joined in this outrage, as they should have. They posted videos of the black men getting shot and used the appropriate hashtags. Look, it is important to get the right hashtag and I am proud that Nigerians did not disappoint black people worldwide.

All of these events in america have made me wonder what the value of a black life is in general and what the value of a nigerian life is in particular. Let us start with the value of a non-Nigerian black life.

A black life abroad is precious. Especially if this black life is an American or British black life. There is something that crossing seas and oceans does to a black person. It insulates them from the indifference that is associated with black tragedy occurring in a black country. A black life capable of a British or American accent is worth a lot. Maybe not to white police officers. But to us Nigerians, it means a lot. I do not mean black lives who leave their black countries, go on one trip to attend a two-week conference and then come back saying wanna gonna. I mean black people with a non-black passport. Black people who were born in a non-black country. We are allowed to feel pity for them. We are allowed to demand human rights for them. We are allowed to say that it does not matter if they stole some items from a shop or sold illegal items. No one deserves to be shot by police extrajudicially. Not even when such a person has a prior conviction. The life of a foreign black person means a lot.

In calculating the value of a Nigerian life however, we must never apply the same rules. We cannot afford to. Black lives in Nigeria are far more resilient and we do not want to spoil people by showing them too much empathy. It is important especially if they are not from our ethnic group or religion. It is not your fault if a person goes and chooses to come from the wrong ethnic group.

You know Nigerians. The moment you give them an inch they want to take a kilometre. So it is important to reserve empathy for those who deserve it.  For those who do not go around asking to be killed and provoking people with guns. Not people like Shiites who block roads and constitute themselves a nuisance in civilised society. I am not saying that we should take up arms and kill Shiites. We have the army to help us with that – with killing them and imprisoning them without charge for indefinite periods of time. I am saying that when the army gets angry and decides to surround them, shoot them one by one, destroy their buildings and bury them (some of them alive), we must not do silly things like feel sorry for them or protest the killing of women and children and non combatant men. We must never never create hashtags because really, they are the ones who decided to go and become Shiites. Yes, we all block roads too when we are doing weddings and naming ceremonies and crusades. But we are not Shiites. The value of a Shiite life is not the value of a black American shot by white police officers. A dead black American deserves human rights even if he had a prior conviction. A dead Shiite deserves to be asked questions, about why they block roads like the rest of us. Or practice religion the way they do.

The same rule applies to say, Biafra protesters. The value of a black life protesting for Biafra is not very much really. We must look the other way when the Nigerian army shoots them because we must let the army do their job. The army restores the balance of things. For example, when an empty street is occupied by Biafra protesters it is the job of the army to clear that street by any means necessary even if that means killing people who are carrying placards. They say a hug starts from a handshake. We must never feel empathy for a black life we do not like when that black life is extrajudicially killed by our beloved, hardworking army. Human rights are for humans. I am not yet sure that they are humans. They are yet to prove it to me. But Americans, kai, those ones are human. Their black lives matter. Our black lives matter when they belong to our religion or ethnic group.

Ok. I am rambling now. I apologise. Let me reduce these last two paragraphs to one formula that is easy to use in calculating the value of a Nigerian life especially if that Nigerian life is Shiite, gay, female, Biafran, or maybe just poor.  The value of these types of black lives in Nigeria is a little less than the value of Jollof rice. Because we will never think twice about fighting for Nigerian #Jollof (especially against those damn Ghanaians but I will leave their matter for another day).

So this is what you must do. Forget about all the Shiites that are still in detention nearly six months after the great Zaria army massacre of December 2015. Forget about the Amnesty International report about women and children buried alive. Use that time instead to show solidarity with America. Post the video of American police executions. Use the hashtag #blacklivesmatter. Because you care. You really care.

The Curse of the Green Passport:How to Travel through Europe and America without Stress

Please, if you also have a red or blue passport, this article is not for you. You can take a stroll now if you like. I am speaking to people like me, without a lifeline, whose only means of identification in this world is that green passport that reads Federal Republic of Nigeria and who have no special “connections”. Ordinary people who want to travel with ease around Europe and America.

Make no mistake about it, nobody in Europe or America is waiting for you at their Airports with open arms to say welcome, dear Nigerian. It is easier to find your way around Africa (minus South Africa) than to travel through Europe and America .  Traveling  through Europe is like making heaven. On your way there will be a lot of obstacles, temptations, sins, and frustrations. I am here, not to insult the countries who make life hard for us, but to help you find a way. God will judge those countries at an appropriate time. In this world you have to find solutions. As a frequent traveller I provide this advice free of charge

1.Study Abroad: This is not the time to be choosing courses.take any course you are offered even if it is TREES and GRASSES.study it, and after go for a masters in the course,imagine your  Cv reading Msc. TREES AND GRASSES.they will love u.all these oyibo people love nature too much.The main thing is studying abroad.While there make sure your  Eye-service skills are on point.Avoid other Nigerians you  meet there like plagues.attach yourself  to the foreigners,date their ladies even if their faces look like half ripped pawpaw just date them.Speak against your fellow Nigerians in public,also don’t waste time in telling anybody that wants to hear how BokoHaram is overrunning Nigeria and thats why your parents sent you abroad even if you have never met a BokoHaram fighter since they are restricted to only the far north.You never can tell the lie that will get you asylum and then a different colour of passport

2.Marry wisely

Now, for this one I am sorry if you are already married. I do not advise anyone to end their marriage to a Nigerian. So if you are stuck in a marriage to a Nigerian, just skip this part. Marrying wisely can mean the difference between a life time of disrespect or easy access to the world, especially Europe and America. It is no secret that people with the nice passports of the world – US, UK, Canada, Germany, France – find it easier to travel round the world including through Nigeria. This is how we are. We are kind. We love visitors. Marrying well can convert you from a Nigerian to a visitor. It can convert you from a leprous carrier of a filthy green passport to a desirable human being with rights. Find yourself a nice foreigner, swallow your pride and say I do. In a few years, like a sexually transmitted disease, that passport will be passed on to you and you will forget what it feels like to be denied entry by any European country or America. But you have to be smart. Research the country before falling in love. Don’t go and marry someone like from Switzerland. Apart from the racism, they don’t make it particularly easy for spouses to pass on citizenship to people like us. Be wise. You don’t want to be stuck with a foreign spouse in a cold, racist place without a passport. That would be a tragedy

3.Run errands for a foreigner with a strong passport

Another thing: Europeans and Americans respect the workers and messengers of their people. So if you work for say, the British, they will, for fear of offending the British, treat you like they would treat the British. So if you can’t marry well or study abroad, look for a job with the Americans, the British or the Germans. Once they see that connection, you are good to go. You will travel Europe and America on the back of your foreign oga and you will forget how it feels to be the owner of a green passport. Don’t be stupid and lose that job. Be loyal to your foreign boss and continue receiving the blessings of their strong passport.

So, now, these three remain the rules for easy European and America travel: studying abroad, marrying wisely and working for a foreigner. But the greatest of these is marrying wisely. It is the most secure. The most permanent. Even if the spouse with the powerful passport leaves you after you secure the passport, you have still won. With the new powerful sexually transmitted passport, you can hope all things, believe all things. Marrying wisely never fails. But whether studying abroad, they will cease; whether there are foreign employers, they too will pass away, but when that foreign passport comes, that which is temporary disappears. An article is enough for the wise

 

 

 

How to Hammer big time in Naija

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To make it in Nigeria is not as hard as it seems. A lot of poor people are deluded into making an investment in colourful motivational books- RICH DAD POOR DAD. HOW TO BECOME A CEO. HOW TO GET (AND STAY) RICH. Crap like that. can still remember when i met a level 12 civil servant in a bus reading HOW TO BECOME A CEO. The more sensible Nigerians are putting their money where their mouths are. I limit my theories to the legal means as there are countless illegal means of making it in Nigeria.

If you are of Northern Nigerian extraction, it is fairly easy to become rich. There not too many educated, smart Hausa/Fulani Muslims who have nothing to do or are not very comfortable. Become Hausa Fulani. You are asking how? Simple. Deny your minority tribe and speak the most fluent Hausa your tongue can allow. Wear a caftan and please wear a cap. A caftan without a cap says you are just a visitor trying on these clothes. Change your name if you have a strong ethnic name. Pick a nice Arabic name. If you have tribal marks that tell your tribe however, I am sorry. But even then, there is hope. Become a Muslim. No, not one those nominal ones. Donate to the building of a mosque. Say the full guttural version of Salamu Alaikum when you greet your superior Hausa/Fulani privileged neighbour and he will take note. NEVER, I repeat NEVER, speak your language in public where the Hausa guys are. It is bad for business. Never say anything bad about any one Hausa Fulani and always say bad things about your tribe and other Northern minorities. If you stick to the rules, word will spread like wild fire that you are a Hausalized Muslim. You can be trusted. You will be fine. Marry a Hausa Fulani woman if they will let you. It is an added advantage. (More than one wife can be an added advantage but never, never marry a woman from your tribe AFTER you have married a Hausa woman. It is an insult. If you have to mix tribes, let the Hausa woman be the new wife and favour her in public.) If you have to drink alcohol NEVER do it in public. Denounce those who do. It is not that the rest don’t drink, they just don’t like to brag about it.

If you don’t care for politics as such and you do not want to be a muslim, there is still hope for you. Start a church. But wait. Don’t rush it- there are too many ordinary churches out there with 12 members. You want to be like the guys with private jets, gold cuffs and greasy perms. So, go to the school for miracles. Now this may or may not include getting the local babalawo to back you up, seeing as there is a lot of competition in this business and you will need to once in a while perform a REAL miracle. Take public speaking classes. Have a good, personal God-saved-me-from-the-devil story. If you don’t have one, make one up- how you were barren for 12 years and God said if only you will save souls for me I will fertilize your womb, or how you led a gang of thieves or were in some underground blood sucking cult, but Jesus saved you. Find a niche and expand from there. And based on where you are know what rules to make for your church. Don’t go opening a new church in Jos or Kaduna and forbid the drinking of alcohol. Or in Portharcourt or Lagos and forbid the wearing of trousers or makeup. At least not when you start. But take the miracles seriously. There is so much disease and suffering in Nigeria you are bound to have a mammoth crowd with one miracle a week.

There are all these white people wanting to soothe their consciences and sleep better at night who like to throw money at Africa. Then there is the UN which makes sure that most of it goes to consultants and meaningless NGO’s. Start an NGO. It’s simple, but it’s tricky. You need to have evidence of all your projects, so invest in a good camcorder and other multimedia stuff. If you don’t want too much work, do something nebulous like an NGO for good governance or do something that no one really expects you to do like electricity in Nigeria. Befriend people in the UN, USAID, UKAID, DFID. Once you get hitched it’s paradise. An NGO has many benefits. It is one leg into these bigger ones like the UN. So, from NGO, you can become consultant (where you do little and earn much) and then you can get full employment with them. Also if you make a lot of noise with government, you can get political appointments or contracts. Find out from your insider sources what the UN and DFID have decided to fund in any particular year. So if its HIV, do a HIV NGO, if its Climate Change, same thing. Always leave room for more things. Remember, document everything, even a handshake with a street child. NGO’s are good, plus you get to pretend that you are saving the world. Now one small thing with these NGO business. But it’s dangerous if you want to live and breathe in places like Northern Nigeria. You can however be discreet about it. Don’t say I told you this, but the more open you are to alternative sexuality the better. You can be trusted and you will either get a cool job or get nice funding for your NGO.

Join APC. Now any Nigerian with common sense knows this.The big money comes from the APC nowadays. Once you are in, work from your ward. Get a patron, a godfather. Be loyal, but not foolish. Spread your loyalty as widely as possible. When your godfather goes down, you don’t want to go down with him. Mostly though be loyal to the party. Attack people in the papers you are sure aren’t in the APC or who like to criticise the APC. Like jonathan- easy target. It gets you points. Make posters with your money even if the candidate doesn’t ask and print boldly at the bottom ‘COURTESY ALHAJI SO AND SO’. The candidate will see it. Your reward will be in APC heaven.

Now, this last one is illegal but you can do it the right way. Find a cause. Become a militant. Blow important stuff up. Now a religious cause is ok, but it makes you lose sympathy in Nigeria. Don’t blow anything up for God. We already have enough reasons to become militant. Give your movement a name, a really sexy one so people will feel good when they call it. Like Inter-ethnic Movement for the Annihilation of Corruption. People can relate to it. You get sympathy. Find a mythical spokesperson whose name can’t be traced to any ethnic group like Papa Kalaka or something more queer. Send out really cool emails written in impeccable, flowery English and talk of things like ‘subjugation’, ‘marginalisation’, ‘deprivation’. Blow things up, but don’t kill civilians. Very soon if you blow the right targets, the government will issue you a public apology for an offence they aren’t sure of and you will be flown in to Abuja for discussions. Your juicy amnesty package will be announced and you will keep in touch with the Presidency. Don’t disarm completely though, you may need it to remind them when they forget the monthly payments. I mean, you get to keep your arms and get cool stuff, like overseas trips and jobs for your militant boys.This hardly works now sha, Buhari is in power

These are just the more prominent ways. If you are perceptive you will find more. Good luck as we find our way to riches in this great country called Nigeria. To God be the glory. And may He bless our collective hustle.

How to show love in Naija

Many manuals are full of jargon and unnecessary information. I have decided to keep this brief and to the point. Because I care.

To quote D’Banj, “love is a beautiful thing”.I have not met the man, but I know he meant Nigerian love, which is a species totally different from the heresy practised by oyibo people in the name of love. Our love is not of short-lived flowers and long meaningless walks in the park. As a person dedicated to your hustle, I have undertaken to provide wisdom that will protect you from falling into such heresies.

This is how to show Nigerian love.

Nigerian love is pragmatic. Words are a waste of time. Every true Nigerian knows how little the words ‘I love you’ mean. Except of course you are in Europe and need to quickly marry someone to get residency. Nigerian love is a very material concept. When you hear rich couples attend events and say those nebulous words, ‘I love you’ to each other, what they do not tell you is how they really say it. God will judge them for trying to mislead new couples.

Cook for your man. Nigerian wives know this already. But lovers need to learn: A thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of Ofe akwu(my favourite) or egusi soup, complete with meat, ‘assorted’ and okporoko. Present it steaming with semovita or if you can, pounded yam. You will not need to say anything. He will wear a smile that says ‘I know you love me’. His friends, on learning that the wondrous dish was made by you, will proclaim, ‘O boy! Dis girl like you well well o’. In Nigerian pidgin, to like ‘well well’ is to love practically and ‘o’ as an intensifier for ‘well-well’ has no real English equivalent. The closest I can say is that it means love to a superlative degree.

Cooking for him entitles you to show your love in another very important way: checking his phone. So, you have cooked for him and he has shown his gratitude by sweating profusely and promptly falling asleep on your couch. This is the time to dive for his phone and read all his text messages. You will find something. If you don’t, go through his call records- you are likely to find calls to or from an Amaka after he said he needed to rest last night. Whether you choose to further show your love by harassing him about it immediately, or choose to hold onto it as part of your arsenal during your next big quarrel is up to you. You know what works best for your man.

Loving Nigerian men always pay. There is no exception to this rule. Not even if she has watched plenty DSTV and pretends that she wants to split the bill. If a Nigerian girl offers to pay reject it like Jesus rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread. Don’t even act like it is a discussion. Ignore her attempts at checking her purse and quickly settle the bill. This is true love. This also applies if she is out with one, two or three friends. Whether you choose to show your love quietly, by excusing yourself and going to settle the enormous bill, or with panache, by screaming, ‘How much is MY bill?’ is up to you. You know what works best for your woman.

As a loving Nigerian woman, never ask who his female friends are. Even if you find him in a compromising situation with a woman who refuses to greet you. Nigerian love ignores such things. It makes excuses on his behalf- she may be his colleague, business partner or member of his prayer group. Nigerian love is good like that. This doesn’t however mean that you can do the same. Nigerian love has very gender specific rules. They do not apply both ways. The only exception to this rule is if the Nigerian man does not ‘pay’.

Deny her the company of any male who is not her relative. This is important. In Nigeria, a jealous man is a loving man. If she is on the phone, watch her demeanour. If she is excited, ask her who it is. By ‘who?’ you mean all the details- name, gender, nature of relationship, process and length of acquaintance, subject of conversation, the whole works. She knows this. You own the franchise of her happiness and no other man is allowed to make her laugh on the phone. If you fail to do this, even she will begin to doubt your love. You cannot afford to let this to happen.

Never ever, as a Nigerian man do stupid things like go into the kitchen to cook. This is forbidden territory. Not even if you are starving and she is on the bed complaining of cramps. There is no better way to truncate your romantic hustle than doing the dishes after she has spent hours making your favourite dish. This is like jumping into a river with concrete slab tied to your neck. There is no recovery from it. God will judge all the foreign film makers who have introduced the dangerous illusion of this being a romantic thing. In fact when you answer the door and it is your neighbour asking if you have a baking tin or big pot, vehemently deny knowledge of anything that goes on in the kitchen and ask her to hold on for your woman. It will be a tragedy for you to introduce doubts about your masculinity in your woman’s mind. May God protect us from tragedies.

It is my hope that as you enjoy foreign romance movies or romance novels, you do not get carried away by them. Stick to my advice and God will bless your romantic hustle.