How to kidnap Me

Oga kidnapper,

I hope this meets you well. If so,glory be to God. I am not mocking you. The very reason you have become so popular in today’s Nigeria is that all is not well. I get that. When I say I hope this finds you well, I mean that in spite of all the problems, some of which have driven you to this profession (forgive me if you have a day job which you prefer to call your profession), I hope you are somehow ok, health wise and all. Because to be ill and be a kidnapper can be a bit problematic. You don’t want to have a bladder infection and be managing an abduction at the same time, i am a doctor believe me. In short, I am wishing that you are in good health or at least a state of health that will not jeopardise your business.

You see, unlike many Nigerians,I will not express shock when you kidnap me. I will not express anger. I will not break down in tears. I will not pee in my pants (except if you kidnap me dressed like all those boko haram people,so please dress well). I will not have any of the reactions which I assume you have become accustomed to. (I am sincerely hoping that you have some experience in this kidnapping business because I would hate to deal with a learner: learners panic and do things like shoot the people they have abducted. If you are new, I will advice you to calm down. I am not going to be a problem. We can work through this together. Like they say, with God all things are possible.)

The reason I am calm is simple. I am a Nigerian that has common sense forget that i live abroad. I also read. I know how hard things are becoming. I also know how ungoverned Nigeria is. So whether it has become easier to kidnap people or life has become harder or both, I understand. Also, we both know the Police is not going to get involved under any circumstances except perhaps to make sure the ransom money is secure so yeah, I am not going to call them. None of my people are going to contact the police either. If we are going to have to spend money, better to give it to you, than pay for “fuel” and paper to write the statement then still end up paying the ransom. My point is, calm down and let us negotiate

I want you to understand that even though you may have heard that i am a doctor or the heard that i own a blog or i write for All saint university’s press club, it does not mean anything. I have no money. The press club doesnt pay. And let’s be honest, I can never know how much google pay them per view or how this Adsense thing works.my own blog is free so i wont know. If they tell me they make only 100 dollars per year, I can’t prove they make thousands. This my blog business is not much better than hawking Gala and La Casera and pure water and scotch egg in traffic. (Ps. I don’t understand people who eat scotch egg in public transport in traffic. They stink up the bus and they look silly opening their mouths wide to bite into it. If not that you can’t get much out of them I would have said those are the kind of people who deserve to be kidnapped. Those ones and the agents of darkness who eat moin-moin in offices and on buses.) Plus, I take out more than half of my money every month and pay  my landlord here . If you had not already gone through the trouble of kidnapping me, I would have suggested that you should have taken my landlord instead of me,just that i dont think he will ever come to nigeria. But, still, think about it. For one thing, he hasn’t bothered reducing the rent upon all these exchange rate wahala. I have to be paying almost fifty thousand naira more than I was paying last year. No fear of God or anything like that. That, or you take the press club publisher Mitchelle. My point is, I am a poor blog writer and doctor.That i reside abroad and have some few stamps on my passport doesn’t mean i am balling ,please if u like i can declare my asset

However, while the negotiations are going on, I have a few requests. Notice I didn’t say demands. Your ransom is a demand which, don’t get me wrong, you deserve. I am only begging. As a  blog writer, I want to at least make something out of the kidnapping experience. I need to write about it so as to drive traffic to my blog. You make the ransom money, I make some good writing and fame out it. At-all at-all na im bad pass. If possible, I want a selfie. Because you know how our generation is. If there is no photo or video or link it did not happen. You can die these days and the children of the devil on the internet will ask your family announcing it for photos or links so they can believe you are truly dead. I already said I won’t do anything funny like try to call the police. We both know how useless that is (this is not an American film where their police trace kidnapper calls and show up commando style). And really, I expect that as a professional you would have blindfolded me on the way to your business premises. Or we can just use an actual digital camera. If you don’t have one we can buy one – just take the money from the ransom money when you get it. Or ask, as a preliminary demand before actual negotiations that they send a camera. (If it wasn’t too much to ask, I might asked if you would let me sneak a couple of my own demands into your list of demands. But you alone worked for this kidnapping and I won’t just come and ride on your hustle. That would be opportunistic. You know, like a woman struggled with some rough guy for over a decade, patiently cleaned him up, married and made him decent, and then some random woman sees him on the street corner and thinks he was always this wonderful and tries to snatch him. Or like all those criminals who got elected across the country by affixing Buhari’s photo to their campaign posters. That kind of opportunistic. God forbid.

Can we please play some games while we are waiting? I find that boredom kills. Look at the damage our bored legislators do because there is no real work to be done, padding budgets and all. I suggest Ludo. Or WHOT. Also, talk to me. I want to hear your story. I will tell you mine. That you kidnapped me does not mean we can’t gist a little. You may find that we have more in common than you ever imagined.

(And please don’t worry about food. I am not proud. I have no special dietary requirements. I will eat what you eat.)

This may turn out to be the best kidnapping you have ever done

Ps. Just to be clear, the “Oga” at the top of this letter is not a mere salutation. You are really dear to me. God bless your hustle, and be with you and your loved ones. And may they never, never be kidnapped.

Love,

 

Chinua